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Take the Test: Is Your Cock Big Enough?

August 24, 2010

Q: What size cock is normal, or considered big enough?

There was more to this question but I edited it out since it was a bunch of insecure bla bla. I suspect the author of the question is not in the age demographic for this site, but I will nonetheless provide a definitive answer to the question which may interest more readers.

I have included the penis size adequacy assessment tool (test) so that you can assess your situation individually. Read all the material before taking the test.

So, how big is your cock? Let’s have it, I want a number.

I know that even though you are in the privacy of wherever it is you sit and read this stuff and you can’t see me and don’t know me, you are still feigning that you have no idea. Let’s get this straight right now; you can get the surprised look off your face, you men don’t fool me for a moment. You have been measuring your dick since before they even taught the lengths and measurements unit in primary school and I wouldn’t be surprised if all the pecker calculations haven’t resulted in men’s statistical history of superior mathematical performance. The ancient Babylonians were believed to have based the cubit on the length of a man’s arm, but I doubt that. We have male insecurity to thank for modern geometry.

It is men who have made up all the rules guidelines and folklore around penis size, women have been entirely on the sidelines for this. Should it be at least six inches, should it be the size of the span of your hand, the length of half your forearm? Should Louis De Grande try to make a comeback?

None of this is especially helped by society’s insistence that men shower and change together. No wonder you’re all terrified someone will think you’re gay. Your endless obsession with whether your cock is big enough has relegated you to a lifetime of surreptitiously checking out other men before they can get their towel on.

Undoubtedly you have been told by some woman somewhere along the line that women don’t care about cock size. If you are even a little bit clever you already know that women, especially the ones you are intimate with, are duplicitous. They lie shamelessly to you because they don’t want to wound you ego, and you are right to be suspect of everything they say. Good news. Miss Liz doesn’t give a crap about your feelings. I’m here with the goods on whether your pecker is as pathetic as you are.

If you are packing anything that sticks out from her closed hand you may officially breathe easy and immediately cease all the obnoxious behaviour that is compensating for your insecurity. You may totally ignore and forget about your cock when you are not using it. Now I’ve done a little research for you and learned that while there is a wide range of vagina lengths, generally a vagina is only about 3.5 inches long. I looked this up, since women don’t measure their vaginas, which is why we have all that extra time for manicures. Of course if men had vaginas rulers would all be cylindrical and lube-filled. So how much yardage do you really need for a 3.5” deep hole? A vagina is good and stretchy which is why you can fit yourself in there, and she likes that. But it is also good and stretchy so that babies can fit out of it, and you don’t hear from many women who thought that experience felt good. If you are under a fist full and over what a stretchy 3.5 inch opening accommodates, sportsmanship demands you put out feelers before the big moment so that no one is surprised and nothing awkward happens. But let me promise you there is pussy for every single dick, and be assured that there are partners who are looking for exactly what you bringing.

Why are big cocks included in this? Well there is such a thing as too big although women don’t agree on how big that is. Suffice it to say that once your member crosses a certain size threshold it hurts and becomes uncomfortable to suck too. A perfect dick is middle of the road and any yammering from women about huge cocks is from vacuous dullards who got their propaganda from free internet porn and think that’s what they’re supposed to say.

No misunderstanding, porn is great stuff; legs follow the minds with respect to opening if you get my meaning, but this is one jurisdiction where porn is not helpful to men. As its major consumers you are being polluted with the idea that huge cocks are desirable. When women watch that same porn their mental caption is “ouch” and believe me nobody is dying to go down on anything massive. That’s why straight women still seem to like the girl on girl; it’s sexier when nobody is getting head-jammed or having internal organs bruised.

For the record, you can find a woman somewhere who will say anything. If a woman tells you that a big cock is important you should first consider the 22% chance that she is protecting your feelings because you have one, the 51% chance that she is trying to make you jealous because you don’t, the 56% chance that she thinks she’s hotter if she says that and the 94% chance that she just lies because her lips are moving. Although women do have the general capacity to notice the size of your penis, they completed their decision making about wanting you before your zipper ever hit bottom and the rest is details. When she decided she wanted you she never one time wondered how big you would be. Now this is not to say that she won’t comment to her friends about your size, but the size is not going to be a factor in whether she wants seconds. What you do to her will decide whether you get invited back. I should point out of course that A-list women really love sex and have a tacit understanding with their intimate partners that they are silent on this topic and any other that violates spirit of really awesome mutual gratification.

So what does bring a woman back for more even if your dick is relatively small? Women like manliness . Even a bossy outspoken woman like Miss Liz is biologically driven to be aroused by manly behaviour which never encompasses pitiful cock insecurity or any of its manifestations. What is manly is probably not what you think either, but for sure your preoccupation with your dick is not manly. Same goes for your thinning hair. I’ll spell it out: women don’t like balding men because they are insecure. Women don’t like men with small cocks because they are insecure. Women don’t like men who don’t have lots of money because they are insecure. Are you grabbing the common thread here? It is insecurity that is unattractive to women, not whatever is causing the insecurity. Men you reek of your insecurities and we can smell it. The things you really get ranked on are invisible, so stop obsessing about what any external part of you looks like. The only way the size of your cock will turn us off is if it’s making you feel inadequate. So in a manner, we only care if you do. This is completely counterintuitive for men, since the male drive to breed with anything that will have it plays a jackpot soundtrack when it finds an insecure woman, and the things women get ranked on are way more visible. Men you can attract a mate who is way out of your league by being an interesting and well-adjusted person; women don’t have nearly the cross sexual caste opportunity you have. Happily, you are not a woman; so stop acting like one.

Women hate your insecurity and simultaneously prey on it so that you will be grateful for their dubious attention. Any woman who discloses information to a current partner about a previous partner’s size is a manipulative B and should be immediately cut loose. The only thing more disappointing to consider is the possibility that you asked her about this. To whatever extent the “do you think I look fat” is an annoying, pathetic and conflict-causing question from women, a man who permits any conversation about the size of someone’s cock who is not naked and in the room is a hundred-fold worse. Ask the question and you are forever branded an impotent little boy. You may as well go ahead and let her re-decorate your place in pastel while you look on in a pair of high-waisted chinos.

In case you are still not convinced, here is a definitive penis size adequacy assessment tool. Good Luck.
 

THE TEST

My penis is attached to me – give yourself 5 points
I can find my penis in the dark- give yourself 1 point
I can find my penis in daylight since I groomed the bush (see Crossing the Darien Gap)- give yourself 3 points

 

Scoring:

 
Under 5 points: John Bobbitt became a porn star after his surgery, not exactly a job he was being recruited for prior to “the incident”, so you may screw Tera Patrick yet.
5 points: Your cock is fine, immediately retire all insecurities about it. Reward it.
6 points: Your cock is great, immediately retire all insecurities about it. Reward it.
8 or more points: Your cock is perfect. Perfect. Retire all insecurities about it. Reward someone else with it.

So the final word on cock size is this: your brain decides what you get to screw, not your dick. Your dick, as much as you love it, mostly just shows up while your other head does all the work; same with all the rest of your body. Huge biceps and a full head of hair never hurt anyone’s case but it’s all a nice suit to the jury. Stop criticizing your penis and it will love you back by not betraying what a loser you are to A-list women who might want you if they could see how interesting you are instead of how insecure and un-manly you are. Of course in the interest of human progress, this is information you share with your sons once they have completed at least grade 12 calculus, possibly an engineering degree.

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