Valentine’s Day: Resistance is Futile

Q – What are some good ideas for a Valentine’s Day date?

Men you are in the countdown window for Valentine’s Day. If you were planning to dump her anyway do it now. If you’ve been with your woman for less than three months or you are dating lots of women at once, lock in your excuse. Don’t wait to the last minute. You need a decent excuse and an alibi accomplice. Everyone else, you have shit to do.

Infidelity website Ashley Madison founder Noel Biderman confirms that female membership on the site spikes after Valentine’s Day. His take: unfulfilled expectations are the disappointments that drive women to abandon or stray from their intimate relationships. So maybe you stand to lose her if you don’t produce. Now I can’t speak to the quality of women who are choosing Ashley Madison, but I can tell you that Ashley Madison’s original catchphrase “When Monogamy becomes Monotony” was abandoned by the company because it “was just above people’s heads”. I don’t know what the moral of this story is except to say Miss Liz’s readers may be overeducated for an Ashley Madison affair.

So where does this leave men? Do you have to chop off your nuts and tuck them into her clutch purse alongside a box of conversation hearts if you want to stop her from contracting VD from some mouth-breather who thinks monotony involves insurrection? You could. You could make your own greeting card and write her a poem describing your dedication to her (hint: make every line end with the sound “ay”, it’s much easier and will leave you more time to complete the chores on the list she leaves you). You could rent “The Notebook” and watch it while you knit an “I wuv you” sweater for the stuffed animal you’ll present to her. The problem with this is that you may find out she’s actually heterosexual and away she’ll go to Ashley Madison to suck off a guy who thinks Occam’s razor is a Gillette product  while you’re at home sucking back wine spritzers and bawling to your cat.

Now there is a lot riding on Valentine’s day, but as always, inside, your woman wants you to be a man. Don’t get derailed by misleading evidence that women find the baring of your inner chick romantic.

What’s the big deal about Valentines’ day? The hell if Miss Liz knows, I can only speculate. If from one side of your mouth you are insisting that women are completely irrational, don’t use the other side to ask for an explanation. Just accept it. There are expectations heaped on February 14^th, and while I would normally preach that you should “go as you mean to go on” (i.e. don’t start any high effort fruity shit you can’t sustain) this is a once-a-year demand I have to advise you to cave to. Think of it as receptacle appreciation night. Even if you don’t and never will love the woman you are currently with you can still show your appreciation that she is, presumably, a decent lover. Failing that she is at least showing up, for which you can be thankful. It’s tip day for your usual lay.

Love, in fact, is best omitted from the Valentine’s agenda. If you aren’t already professing your love don’t start to as an act of Valentine’s desperation no matter how inadequate your preparations have been. Valentines’ day is a day to drive home the point that a woman is special to you (no matter how superficially that may be) and to get a quality lay out of her. Everything else is optional.

The Valentine’s Rubric

Want to know how you’re being marked? It’s only fair. For the uninitiated, a rubric discloses specific objectives and provides examples for different levels of achievement. The Valentine’s Rubric has a maximum score of 16 points.

 

 4 Points: That you actually had someone wanting your attention is flatly miraculous. You’re such a douchebag that it’s actually impressive. Good Job.

4-8 Points: Since you two are already married (everyone in this range is) she’s probably already given up anyway. Take up smoking so that whenever she thinks of leaving you she’ll decide it’s probably easier just to wait for you to die.

8-14 Points: Well you tried. It could be a long time before she gets a shot with someone more exciting, so this could be a good run.

14-15 Points: Damn you almost nailed it.

16 Points: Imagine how much appreciation this would get you if she didn’t feel entitled to all your efforts! Nevermind. Miss Liz will say it: Good Job.

 

Advance Planning

Even if you eff up everything, having made your dumb-ass plans in advance will buy you a share of mercy. If any category is disproportionately weighted it’s the advanced planning. You can’t make someone feel special at the eleventh hour by buying a rose at the gasbar and ordering in pizza.

If you are planning to go out for dinner you need to go ahead and make a reservation now. Valentine’s Day is one of the busiest nights in the restaurant business. Wait until the last minute and you will end up at a diner which is only quirky and romantic if it’s caused by an international spy ring and you’re in a movie.

But never, no matter how proud you are of your plans, hint that you have a big surprise. Tell her what you’ll be doing so she’s psychologically on board. To women “surprise” evokes tiaras, yachts and private jets. You have so many other ways to disappoint her, you don’t need this.

Classic Elegance

Look, she didn’t just meet you tonight. If you aren’t a five-star guy don’t book a restaurant where you don’t know how to order and you end up eating every course with your shrimp fork. If you planned ahead you got a reservation at a trendy cooker where you’ll enjoy good food, service and ambience without disclosing the apparently unlimited depth of your gauche behaviour. If you make dinner at home please, clean your place up first, and know what you are doing.

During the evening, give her the appearance of your full attention. And show up clean and groomed, wearing something classy that isn’t too GQ; you aren’t Ryan Gosling.

Acceptable gift

If at all possible don’t buy flowers and chocolates. It’s so cliché I’m struggling for a way to properly insult it. Lean toward gifts like fragrances and Victoria’s Secret  products (you have to go big name, there’s no sense emptying your billfold on something pricey she won’t recognize). Jewellery is always appreciated but is risky; only you know whether your woman can mentally transform a toe ring to an engagement ring.

DON’T give her a poem or write her a song. If you MUST give her a greeting card make sure it has less than fifteen words. Do not sing, serenade or cry. Don’t buy lingerie that has a size, don’t buy a novelty gift that is supposed to be funny and don’t make a coupon book. Never buy a teddy bear or name a star after her. You can let her know she’s special without becoming Richard Simmons. And just so you know, those chocolate boxes shaped like hearts are gifts for kids.

Memorable Sex

Valentine’s Day sex is supposed to be special. Yeah, we all know it’s just more sex only worse because extra pressure has been heaped on it, but it is what it is, and most stressful days don’t end with a sure lay so quit grumbling. It’s finally time for the pink bonding tape you were eyeing at Christmas. Invest in some Booty Parlor melt and a set of art brushes. Get out your A-game. It’s not the time for the really freaky shit (you have 364 other days for that) but you do need to make sure it’s worthy sex, so be sober enough, manscaped to Miss Liz standards, and pretend to appreciate and care about her undergarments before you rip them off her; they cost a lot of money and she wants you to notice.

But I really Love Her…

Uh huh. You are looking for the green light to do something womanly and I’m not giving it. I know she’s special, after all how many times in your life will you be in love? Well seven, according to pollsters and researchers so if I turn out to be wrong you’ll have six more chances to make an ass out of yourself on Valentine’s day. I’d make it up to you by naming a star after you, but there’s already a star called Nancy.

Should I try to find a date for Valentine’s if I am single?

Are you kidding? Make a date with your boys to hit an upscale nightclub which will be jammed with cliques of well-heeled dateless cougars who are craving attention. Clean your place before you head out, and make sure you have condoms.

And if, for whatever reason, you are alone on Valentine’s Day, consider yourself fortunate. You have dodged the pressure. Miss Liz always elects to evade the requirement of such an awkward holiday, you can hook up with me for online pool. Plus, if everyone were impaired and having sex on February 14^th between eight and midnight, Malta could just walk in and take us over, and I just don’t think they can sustain our infrastructure.

Good luck, lovers. If you have a complete disaster be sure to email Miss Liz so we can all have a giggle.